Yes, I am still in love with him!
My friend looked at me in shock and said “After everything he put you through, how can you still care for this person.”
I couldn’t explain it myself. She asked me if I had seen him lately and I said, “No, I knocked on the door, but I walked away. I can’t begin to erase all of the hurt and disappointment I have, that has built up in me during the 5 years we were together. He says he has changed and that he’s ready for us, ready to hear me out. Normally when we talk he’s doing all of the talking (3-hour long talks of him listing my faults); while I try to contain the sadness within. When I interrupt to finally get my thoughts in, he cuts me off and blames me for everything that has gone wrong in his life. I admit, I have gone past his house and rang the doorbell, but I can’t bring myself to wait until he reaches the door before I walk away.
When I am alone I remember how he ran up my credit card buying 4 pairs of designer jeans and a boy’s trip to Vegas right after he told me he was laid off from his job…because the boss didn’t see his potential and was jealous of him. When I seen the bill for $3500, I almost fainted.
He always compared me to his past lovers. Telling me how well they were doing in life. Where they shopped, partied, negotiated in business deals in which he compared my T.J. Maxx suits to their Chanel digs. That if Tamika or Vanessa had my brains, leadership strengths or education he would have already graced the covers of Fortune Magazine.
I thought a man in his 40’s would finally appreciate a woman that came to him without hurt and bitterness. He held every gift and compliment I gave him in contempt. He never appreciated the time I took to buy him season tickets to his favorite football team…no thank you. And I know for certain no woman ever gave him anything but a slap on the face and a burning dick to medicate. When I came into his life he was wearing outfits that would make a clown blush. Brightly light with shades of colors that made me perplexed at times.
He let me know on many occasions that I was his second choice and that his other options were begging to get back with him. I watched him blame me and my kids for not being supportive as he jumped from job to job, running up bills that I continued to pay off, his 50 dollar haircut appointments that came with a neck massage and wine. He took my emotions and twisted them into his own little cruel joke of love. He reminded me that he had lovers that would have put me and everyone else to shame and how he was in high demand.
I watched as he cursed out my brother, sister, cousins, flirted with my friends in front of me. But when he mentally abused my mother and daughter, I had to put him out of my life. I never understood why he couldn’t keep a job, how his credit was continually an issue, his kids hated him or why his mom was afraid of him. I craved this man, this king…in my eyes. And made sure he knew he was wanted in every way. But I watched him take what I gave him and abused that power. I finally realized why I had to leave…because he made it too hard to love him. He refused to let me in. Now he wants to come back and talk, make up, love me, so he claims.
I just don’t know!
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