You know that feeling you get in the pit of your stomach when you’re nervous. Or that smile that comes across your face when you see a certain person. Then again maybe it’s that feeling of comfort and love when you’re talking to this being. That’s how I feel right about now. I am in love. You see it all started two years ago when I moved into this apartment building and finally as I would put it “came into my own body”. I thought I had it all and could want no more or no less but I was wrong until I met him.
We connected right from the door. He lived down the street from my place and I happened to bump into him when I was on my little ice cream run to the store. I mean this man could have been a GOD, from the way this nigger was shaped. Chocolate complexion, broad shoulders, and a smile that would make babies jealous. His name was Devon and he was what I dreamed about growing up as a little girl when you think of the person you want to spend the rest of your life with. We exchanged numbers and started to talk on the regular about our hopes, wishes, dreams, & desires. Found out that our favorite musician was Jeffrey Osborne. And that one-day we hope to own our own business.
After 9 months of courting me big-time, I gave him my precious gift…my love. We made love to the sounds of Jeffrey Osborne, stroked like Omar Epps & Sanaa Lathan in “Love & Basketball”, and fucked like Sharon Stone & Michael Douglas in “Basic Instinct”. We were hot for each other and it showed. Everything that I ever wanted from a man and he was the epitome of it. Then everything changed.
Now I know we all have skeletons in our closet. No one is without sin. I understand that, but at least my skeletons don’t show up pregnant with my man’s child. His did though. In the worst way possible. When she came to him and told him about their child that was born 6 months ago, I was distraught and brokenhearted. When I pictured our life together I pictured me giving birth to his first-born son, not a woman from his past. I didn’t know what to do with this information. I wanted to run her and the baby down, or run away to a faraway land and take him with me. But in the end I gave him to her.
I told Devon that he has a responsibility to his son and to the woman that in some ways he stilled loved, to work it out. I don’t know what I was thinking, but I felt it was the right thing to do at that moment. Of course he protested and begged me to think reasonably. So I told him the only thing I knew would officially break it off for us. I told him that I didn’t love him. The look in his eyes stabbed me in my heart so deep, I don’t think anyone could have took the knife out. He walked out of my life and I never heard or seen him again.
As I am walking down to the library to catch up on my studies, I realize I forget an important paper from home that’s needed to do my homework with. So I tread back home since the library is only a block and a half away. Along the way I notice someone that looks strangely familiar but I am not sure. The one person in my life that I know could have been the one. Devon. And it is. I know that body and the way he moves from anywhere. I try to cross the street in order for him to not see me but he glances over anyway and catches sight of me. I stand completely still, not knowing exactly what I should do. He’s as beautiful as ever. And also by the stares that I am getting from him he feels the same way. He walks over and we exchange polite pleasantries of not seeing one another for 2 years. He tells me that his son’s mother and he are married and that he son is doing well. I tell him that’s good and hope that everything works out for the best. He stares into my eyes and asks me if I am taken. I tell him no, that I haven’t had the time, what with school and all. I tell him I am late to do a project and that it was really good seeing him and congratulations again. As days and months went by, I think fate dealt me a bad hand because every time I walked out of the house I saw Devon, his wife and their son in tow. Whether it was playing in the park or when they are entering into the car ready to go out. I think that hurt the most…seeing them. But I chose to let him go and now I am paying the price.
As time passes, I am succeeding in my accomplishments. I own my own business and it’s thriving. I have a person that I care about in my life and I am stable. Reading the paper is how I catch up on the local news since my time is strictly work, sleep, and spending quality time with my partner. As I open the newspaper and glance over articles, I come across the obituaries and see a familiar name. Mrs. Devon Carter dies of terminal cancer at the age of 30. She leaves behind a loving husband of 4 years and a 6-year-old son, Devon Carter Jr. As it goes on and on about this graceful woman who asked to die in peace and what a good humanitarian she was I looked at the picture…a family picture and silently wished her good blesses in heaven. I knew I had to contact Devon and asked if there was anything I needed to do for him and his son. I called as soon as I came home and the answering machine picked up on the first ring. I announced myself and told him to call… The phone was picked up before I could finish and Devon responded. I apologized for calling so late but I heard about your wife and wanted to give my condolences. He thanked me and requested to have lunch together so that we could talk. I said of course, anytime. He said it’s urgent that I talk to him, so I said I will be available the next day lunch time.
Waiting at the lunch table of Hanover’s where limited exposure is, I felt that if Devon needed to cry on my shoulder or just to vent about his loss he could do it in the privacy of this place. Devon arrived just as the waiter asked me if I wanted to something to drink. He looked magnificent. He kissed me on the cheek and got a hold of himself with the glass of water. She waited for him to compose himself before he began to speak about the couple of years living with his wife and child. How she was a great mother and his son is growing up to be a perfect gentleman. I sat and listened to his voice and how hurtful is must have been to lose a wife so young. Then he told me that I was his first soulmate and that he never stopped thinking of me. I was stunned. As I looked away he brought his hand to my face and turned me back toward him and said yes, you are my greatest love.
When you gave upon us I gave up on finding true love because I knew you were the one I ultimately should have been with. I started to cry because I felt the same pain that he felt when I gave up on us too. I apologized and told him I didn’t know what came over me. I was jealous and hurt and pleased and confused. I let you go because I couldn’t face the face the fact that I would be second best. We talked over each other because there was so much that each of us wanted to say to one another. Wanted to talk and say the things that we couldn’t for years. I told him that I have someone else. But when I looked into his eyes I knew that the current person in my life would have to deal with the fact that I again found my true love Devon and had to let Bryant go. I told him of my guilt in letting him go and how I have hungered for him since the day I met him. Then we kissed. A kiss that drew that hunger, that craving of all those years waiting, hoping and praying that this love will come again. It got deeper and I felt it. That total completeness when you know love caught you for good. As we spoke of our love for each other he told me of his real relationship with his wife. That they were married in name only and that they became to be best friends for Devon Jr.’s sake. That his son was told their relationship and understood it. That his heart was always with me and that I was his soulmate, he just wanted me to realize it also. We promised to meet each other later on to talk more. I had to get back to work and he had to pick up his son. We kissed again and spoke our words of love before we departed.
As I walked toward my car I heard a screech in the distant suggesting a car had swerved around the corner and a thud. I looked back to discover the scene of a hit and run and people screaming. I searched for Devon in the crowd hoping he wasn’t anywhere near the accident. Then I felt faint for a split second and ran towards the crowd. I knew but I didn’t know. I had to find out for myself. I had to see. I pushed and prodded through the crowd trying to get a glimpse of whom it was. I saw a man trying to help the victim keeping him from bleeding. Then I saw him. My life flashing before. A life without Devon in it. There was the love of my life laying there bleeding to death. I clawed through the rest of the people and cradled him in my arms, crying for redemption. I looked down at this man and realized then that he was gone.
Everything else was a blur. I don’t remember getting picked up and taken away from him, or Bryant coming to get me off the ground, or being driven home and stripped of my clothes and wiped down and laying in the bed. But I do remember getting my first meal down after 2 months straight of not eating. I remember crying to my best friend without speaking. I remember sitting in my bedroom and hoping to die. Then one night while in my bed I heard a voice. A voice of remembrance, a voice that has haunted me for months since his death. Then a bright light falling on the edge of my bed. And a beautiful angel appeared in front of me. An angel I have recognized since the moment I laid eyes on him. “Devon” I spoke silently, but he heard me nonetheless. He spoke to me through my heart and I understood everything about my purpose in life and why he came to me in the first place. He told me that people come into your life for either a reason, season, or lifetime. That he has not left me in life, but has always been there in spirit.
1 year later
As I am preparing for a speech about the recklessness of drinking and driving in my car on the way to a medical conference, I encounter a man having car troubles. I yell to him if he needs any help. He told me sure if you have a pair of pliers. I walk over with my car supplies and hand it to him. He face is still clouded by him fixing his car while he told me that it a rental and that the car just stopped working. I nodded and the engine revved up and started. I told him miracles happen at the right time. Then we both laughed. He closed the front of the car and turned around to face me. I stumbled back and gasped in surprise. The face looking at me resembled Devon’s. He asked if I was OK. I told him that I needed to sit down and told him of a person that looked just like him. He understood and grabbed a bottle of water from his trunk and handed it to me.
I told him my name was Nikki and said his name was Chance. He said that he was came here on a business trip to meet up with a business partner that suggested he come down to attend a medical conference on the effects of drunk driving. That a certain speaker is to be there and that she would be perfect for him. He said his friend told him that this woman represented everything he wants in a woman. Even suggested that they were soulmates. I asked him what was the name of this woman speaker and he said something like Ms. Blue. I said that’s my name, Nikki Blue. He laughed and asked if I was serious. I laughed too. We sat and talked some more about the coincidences and realized we had everything in common. A strange coincidence. He told me that he felt strongly that there was a reason he was suppose to come and that now he knows why. I felt the same way. I looked away for a minute because of something that caught my eye. I looked to my east and seen a beautiful bird of multiple colors looking at us.
And at that moment I could have sworn that I saw this magnificent bird wink. I turned back to Chance and smiled. And suddenly realized that when you let something or someone go and they come back to you, then they’re meant to be in your life. If they leave your life in tragedy, then they will come back to you in a different form to claim what’s theirs. I told Chance that I would really like to have dinner with him and he said that if I didn’t ask he was bound to anyway. We both laughed and he walked me to my car to head over to make my speech and have dinner with this man called Chance…”Devon”.
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