Have you ever met someone that you would bet on your grand-mom’s life that they would never betray or harm you? There was something I found out over the last 24 hours that literally devastated me and brought me to my knees. Someone that was very important to my present and future betrayed me and others. And at 40 years of age, I thought that it couldn’t happen to me…..well not again, and not while I am entering into my next chapter of life.
I have always been the type that was extremely naive and wears my heart on my sleeve. I give chances and try to understand what its like being in your shoes. I didn’t have an easy life and to some people, my story needs to be written and published in order to help others as a cautionary tale. My brother and I were raised on welfare while my mom struggled with mental issues she developed from abuse, single motherhood, and just being a dark-skin African American woman. We were without heat at time, gas, phone, water….had to go to the fire hydrant to obtain some and used the kerosene heater to warm it up in buckets for each person. We were evicted from every section 8 house or apartment because of her mismanagement of funds due to her mental in-capacities. I was even then a naive, and hungry for love child.
Scroll to my adult years and I was hungry for stability, love, affection, and my purpose in life. I did not know how to function without the help of welfare or my mother. She taught me survival skills, but I was lacking in the knowledge to respect myself, know my worth, and to explore what life has to offer. I was lost, lonely, and at times felt like I was drowning. My relationship with men were hasty, and not well-thought out for my life. I hungered for something that I was missing and I was extremely gullible. I fell for anything because I wanted to believe the good in everyone. My 20s were filled with many reality checks and I scraped my elbows and knees plenty of times trying to maneuver through life’s jungle. On top of that I brought a daughter into this world and parenting to me was so foreign that I failed numerous times.
Battling with trying to find my worth, a little girl who sees me in her, my lackluster career options, and dating or searching for a man that has qualities that I should have had in a father…..I was like a lot of other girls out here in the rough streets of Philly…misunderstood, rejected, and confused.
Scroll to my 30s and I found a balance in my life that I was pretty happy with. My 20s were a distant memory and I was gaining a new found appreciation for independence and who I am in life. I no longer had the rose-colored glasses on and I saw what others experienced when I was around. A girl that wanted to be loved, appreciated, and respected. At times during my 20s I begged and pleaded for that. I tried to show them that I deserved it. In my 30s, I was pioneering for it…based on my accomplishments because that was my worth. Along with being physically abused under 23, I was mentally abused by others and it drained into my 30s while I tried to wash off the residuals of those stains. I’m not saying I am perfect and that certain things I did lead to me being humiliated and suffering, because I am aware of my flaws. But my goodness radar was totally off when I met people. During those times of my life when I felt all these different emotions of sadness, suicide, depression, lack of worth, and betrayal, I realized that life had to go on and that my sadness was not going to stop the day from ticking.
That’s why my 30s was dedicated to fostering relationships, ending negative ones, and learning to know the differences!!!
I have learned not to speak about my love life on social media and I have been very good at being a private person unless I read MY chapters to you from my book. I have been in some pretty good relationships and some not so good ones, but with the wisdom I gained from my history, I was always able to bounce back and not be that scared little girl, young lady, and woman that needed and obsessed over love and being loved. But I was always weary and I took the time to peruse quality over quantity. I gained some awesome people in my life and started to feel as though I was important. I realized that others were just weighing me down. And for the ones that really got into my heart, I was able to still love them whether from a distance to when we came back together again. I didn’t have to run towards uncertainty. I had people that really loved, and respected me for more than my body, my smarts, and as a friend. But there’s always one that slips through the cracks, which is why I am writing this today.
Scroll to the last 24 hours of the situation in my life and memory, and I am devastated at the circumstances that was laid in front of me. I thought that at 40 years of age, someone hurting a person that they respected and loved wasn’t going to happen to me…because I was exalted to a position where my circle was going to take me into the next stages and chapters in my life with a smile on my face every day. That’s the thing about control, when you finally decide to move things around to that stable and comfortable life….control can go left or right. My inner circle of stable and loving people was shattered by someone that I truly believe was the epitome of honesty.
I always tell people that I am perfectly flawed and that I am not without sin, or faults. But the one thing I treasured from those people that were/are in my inner bubble was a respect boundary that they would never cross. So, you can get betrayed at any age and even as my heart aches and feels heavy, I have to understand that those people are just as flawed as me and imperfect. I let someone in that showed me to accept and understand a person as is and that they are either your past or your future. Over the years they were always who they were and it was just me that needed to change my perspective and that was my trial to bear. I needed to develop things that only they and everyone else around me saw as a negative, but I was a work in progress and eventually we canceled each other out when we changed for the better or became more empathetic. I was loving the development of my inner circle, my partners in crime, and my confidantes.
Yesterday and today that circle of trust and camaraderie for one of my good friend’s ended and it hurts just as bad as if I was in my 20s. Betrayal from a friend can be at any age and it doesn’t hurt any less than when you were younger. These are people you have hand-picked to go with you into the future and the next life and their disrespect can cut you like a knife. my heart is heavy and it physically hurts. When you end those chapters of the books they are in, it is hard to give them a easy death. You don’t want to lash out or scream at how they “did you wrong.” It’s a dull ache which eventually turns into a lesson. I have always been resilient and as my circle/bubble of trust and friendship is being sealed up and appreciated more, I find myself wondering, “will my absence and silence be the awakening you need to rebuild the relationships this person has affected negatively?”
They say, Karma is a Bitch and that bad things will comes back to haunt them. Seems like Karma is behind on her duties and if I wait for her to make her moves, I would be dead and buried 5 times over. I am 40 years of age, 41 in July and Karma doesn’t help or nor do I want her help. Looking back on everything that has been a blessing and lesson of my life….I just want to be happy!!! I know my heavy and hurting heart is just a temporary thing and that the light of resilience is bright and stable. But this betrayal at 40 is no joke and my mended bubble of trust has people in it that will carry me over those hot stones of coal as my feet are treasured.
I am learning to forgive myself! My heart and mind gave someone a chance and it was rewarded wrongly. I am forgiving myself. They were a lesson at 40, and I am sure that there will be plenty more at 41, 45, and 49. I am learning to respect and forgive myself. – AcademicHustler1975